There comes a time in life when we
have to make a choice that will change the course of life not only for
ourselves, but for others as well.
I found out I was pregnant on
Valentines Day of 2012. I felt like my
world had ended and I was alone. I hate
to admit this but the first thought that came to my mind was abortion. I didn’t want to have a baby with this guy
and I didn’t want my parents to find out.
I decided to tell the “sperm donor” that I was pregnant to see what his
reaction would be. He looked at me with
a BIG smile on his face and said, “We are going to be a family!” At that point I lost it. I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to marry
him or have his baby. A week later we
broke up and I knew it was for good. I
was alone and had to move back in with my parents. My parents weren’t happy with the situation and
talked about adoption being the only solution.
I have always wanted to be a mom and could never imagine placing my baby
for adoption.
A week after moving in with my
parents I got a Facebook message from a kid I knew in high school. We had hung out once while I was in high
school, but I didn’t really like him and never thought I would hang out with
him again. He said he wanted to take me
on a date and just be there for me if I needed a friend. I was SO excited because what guy wants to
take a pregnant girl out?? We went on a
date a few days later and little did I know he would be my future husband. J
Todd and I officially started dating
April 20, 2012 and slowly started talking about if I should keep the baby or
place it for adoption. Todd and his
family said they would support me with either decision and if I kept it they would
treat the baby like their own.
I knew I wanted to go through LDS
Family Services if I chose to place my baby, but every time I tried to look at
profiles online it was too much for me to handle. One day at work Todd decided to log on and
see if any profiles stood out to him. He
found five that he liked and asked me to look at them. After looking through all of them there was
only one that I felt really good about.
I emailed her and told her I am thinking of placing my baby. I am 20 weeks along with a baby girl and
would love to meet them. Shortly after I
sent the email, her and her husband came over to my mom’s house to meet with
Todd, my mom, and me. Right after they
left I knew they were the parents I wanted to raise my little girl. I felt so peaceful and I knew it was going to
be hard, but it was going to be best for my baby.
Lucy was born on October 29, 2012
and weighed 5 lb. 1 oz. She was perfect
and from the first time I saw her I didn’t know how I was going to be able to
give her away. I spent 2 days in the
hospital with her and on that last day I woke up knowing I was about to do that
hardest thing I will ever have to do.
The hospital got me all ready to be
discharged because I wanted to be able to leave the hospital right after the
placement. The placement started in the
afternoon and I had my mom, dad, sister, soon to be mother in-law, Todd, my
caseworker, and the adoptive parents there.
They had the adoptive parents wait
out in the hall while I signed all the paper work. I signed it fast and tried not to listen as
my caseworker read all of the papers because I didn’t want to think about
changing my mind. I knew if I thought
twice about it I wouldn’t have gone through with the placement. After all the papers were signed the adoptive
parents came back in and this was the time when I had to hand my baby off to
them. I gave her a hug and kiss one last
time and handed her off to the adoptive mom.
We all cried and held each other and then I knew it was time to go. We said our last goodbyes and left.
The placement is and will be the
hardest thing I have ever had to do especially when I had to hand my baby to
someone else, but I knew I had to do it for Lucy and I couldn’t have picked
better parents for her.
It has been a little over a year
since I had her and I have seen them a lot which actually helps the loss I
sometimes feel. At first I thought I
wanted a closed adoption, I had figured the easiest way to cope would to be to
cut that out of my life and move on, I’m glad I chose to have a open adoption
so that I could have control over if I wanted to see her and how often. Our
first meeting was in February 2013 and they came over to my house to visit for
a few hours. Since then we randomly go
to dinner or I go visit them at their house.
The adoptive mom was able to come to my wedding in March and I was able
to go to their sealing in May which was another hard experience, but one that I
will never forget!
